Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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