There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
