and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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