When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
