Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
