i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
