Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize