and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
