And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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