take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
