Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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