considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize