After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
