theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Randomize
