I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
