I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
