Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize