I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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