I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize