theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
