I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
