He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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