Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
