Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
