dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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