the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
