I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
