Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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