We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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