As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
