i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
