No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
