woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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