Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize