We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Come see our sink grown plant.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
