yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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