so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
