I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
you had me at cake vodka
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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