remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
