I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
