Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
