My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
