drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
