Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize