god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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