I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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