If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize