When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
