i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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