If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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