none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
