ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize