You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
