i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Im part way to drunk.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
