I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
