How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
