you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
