I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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