She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You dont lie about slip and slides
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
That was before I lit my hair on fire
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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