is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
