Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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