we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Two words: blizzard sex
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
