You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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