Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
