I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
